Why It Hurts
by AnotherJounin
Summary: RELOADED and UPDATED! Genma isn't dealing too well with Hayate's death. Will he die to be with him or will Sayoko and Iruka pull him back from the edge? PLEASE REVIEW!
1. Listen to the rythm of the falling rain

Disclaimer: Roses are red, violets are blue, I don't own Naruto, please don't sue. Also, I'm having some trouble with the formatting, no matter what I do it seems... Flashbacks are marked by spaces, but they should be marked by asterisks. 

Why It Hurts (Working title, suggestions wanted!)

"Peace is too much to hope for," Genma said quietly, staring at the monument in the fading light. It wasn't his first time to lose a friend, and it damn well wouldn't be the last, he knew, but for whatever reason, it hurt more this time. He looked down at the purple hyacinth he had brought as an offering. It was slightly wilted from the grip he had on it, despite the water he had put it in. "I don't know why..." Genma let his words trail off to nothingness. There were things he wanted to say, but words that never came easy to him were fast fading now as he reached for them. He put the hyacinth down on the monument. His fingernails reflexively dug into his sweating palms. "I'm sorry..." he began again, but stopped. Suddenly he found he was sitting down. He hadn't meant to do that. He felt shaky. 'Why is this so hard?' he thought angrily. 'You know what I'm trying to say though...You were always good at knowing what I meant to say...' He remembered being told, remembered standing there on the roof, looking at the body of his friend. He'd seen other friends die. He'd always thought they looked different in death, they didn't look like themselves, and that made it easier. Hayate wasn't an exception. So why was it so painful this time?

Was it because of Sayoko? No, that wasn't it. He'd seen women cry before, that was nothing new, nor was taking news to next of kin. Maybe because she was usually so strong? No, that still wasn't it. He refused to believe that the tears of another would bring him so close to tears. Part of him wanted to scream that it wasn't fair, but the older part of him knew that life wasn't fair, that death didn't have to make sense and that dying in a horrible way was not unusual for a ninja.

The overcast, dark grey sky rumbled. A storm was fast approaching. 'To hell with it.' He grinned bitterly. 'I'm staying here, with you, until I understand why...or until it's light out again.' He leaned back against one of the three posts and closed his eyes.

"Exam time again?" he yawned, rubbing his eyes. "It always sneaks up on me."

"Coffee?" Hayate asked, pouring himself a cup.

"Sure."

"No milk, no sugar, no lemon," Hayate muttered wearily, pouring a second cup.

"It's healthier that way," Genma insisted.

Hayate shrugged and passed him the cup. "I like lemon and sugar," he said and coughed.

"In coffee?"Genma sighed. "If you stopped taking sugar, slept and took better care of yourself, you'd feel better sooner."

"Quit mothering, Sayoko does that more than enough," Hayate sniffed and gulped down his coffee. "Itai!"

Genma had to smile. "And don't gulp your drinks."

Hayate tried to glare at him but was interrupted by a fit of coughing.

"Seriously, get that cough seen to," Genma said.

"Fine," Hayate sighed. "After I'm finished all the damn paperwork for the exams. I could have delegated it, but no, I had to make sure of things myself, because-"

"I know, I know," Genma lifted his hands in mock-surrender.

"If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself!" they chorused.

It began to rain.

Genma hated hospitals. He'd only been twice before, once when he was very little and had a bad fever that wouldn't break. His mother and father had been alive then so it wasn't so bad. The second time was for a broken arm he'd aquired in Academy Taijutsu training. Ukiyo-sensei had been with him so, again, it could have been worse. But this time... he sighed. He couldn't feel his left arm at all, a mercy, he thought, remembering the agony of pain he'd been in the first time he'd had a broken arm. This time, he'd been lucky... sort of. He hadn't been conscious to feel his arm broken. He'd been unconscious from a hell of a fight, chakra exhaustion and internal injuries. The broken arm, oddly enough was aquired from a fall. He had been told the entire matter was 'complicated' and that was just fine with him, he thought, still somewhat fuzzily. The painkillers made him feel as though he had a giant ball of cotton between his ears, but he could think enough to feel miserable.

There was a knock at the door. Genma frowned. Was it Asuhara? She had some explaining to do about his arm.

Hayate put his head around the door. "Yo."

Genma blinked. He managed to raise his right hand awkwardly in acknowledgement. "Same to you," he muttered.

"How're you doing?" Hayate asked, pulling up the only chair in the room. He sat on it 'backwards' leaning his arms against the backrest and putting his chin on his arms.

"Alive," Genma said. "What are you doing here?"

"Talking to you. By the way, 'Alive' is not a good enough answer."

Genma sighed and decided to sit up. "Itai!" That was a bad idea.

Hayate fiddled with something and the bed rose slightly. "Better?"

"Yeah, thanks," Genma said. He closed his eyes and opened them slowly to clear his spinning vision.

"Oh. I forgot." Hayate rummaged through the pockets of his jacket. He made an 'I've found it' noise and produced a small package. "You like these, right?"

'These' were cookies. Not just any cookies however: these were in fact almond cookies, the very best Genma had discovered in Konoha, which was all that mattered, anyway. "Thanks," he managed. 'I must've been ranting about them at some point -- he has a good memory.'

Hayate put them on the little table by the bed. "Enjoy. So, dare I ask how the mission went?"

"You obviously dare," Genma countered. "Sorry, I don't know all the details. The last thing I remember was hiding up a tree... you should ask Asuhara."

Hayate started in surprise, then looked down. "Genma..." he began, carefully.

Genma felt a cold hand clutch at his heart. "No," he said, hating how his voice shook, but unable to stop it. "I... I don't believe you."

Hayate said nothing for a long moment. "Like you probably heard, it was 'complicated'. I guess you deserve to know how complicated." He looked down, studying the floor as he continued to speak, more quietly than before. "They had to send a retrieval team out for you two. She was alive when they got there, but...she was badly injured. She died on the return trip. I'm sorry."

Genma closed his eyes.

"Are you... are you all right?"

"No." There was more: 'Hayate, I'm not all right, and I don't know when I will be all right,' but those words wouldn't come. He couldn't seem to think. He felt more numb than before, but it wasn't a comfortable feeling any more. Suddenly he wanted to feel pain; he almost wanted to cause himself pain! The numbness was like a fog, and he hated fog, it was so pervasive and so hard to escape from. His head hurt, and he wondered idly how badly he was injured. For a moment he imagined he might die, might see Asuhara again...'But she'd be angry with me...'

"Yes she would," Hayate said quietly. "And I would be too."

Genma's eyes flew open. He hadn't realized he'd spoken.

Hayate looked grim. "Don't even start thinking like that," he said.

Genma had never seen Hayate's eyes look like this before...so angry. Or was it fear that made his eyes burn? Hayate was...scared? His headache was getting worse. He wasn't sure which it was, and he no longer cared. "All right," he said after a long moment. He felt more tired than he could ever remember, and his eyes were drifting shut without his consent.

The thick clouds hid the stars, and the rain was picking up slowly, but Genma was oblivious to it, lost somewhere between memories and sleep.

PLEASE REVIEW!  
If you're thinking of not reviewing, read the following-  
St. Thomas More said that those who don't review or give concrit are like guests who go to a dinner, eat and don't bother to comment on whether or not the meal was any good.  
Stil not convinced? "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"  
nods Or if that's not your cuppa (tea/coffee/sake/cranberry juice)  
Keep the karma going people!

Oh- and I despise doing this, but if I don't get at least five reviews I won't continue. And there is more. And it's good...


	2. Tea and Memory

As if further proof were needed that I have weak will power at times, I am posting this chapter, despite not getting the number of reviews I would have liked. Alas. So if you're reading this, please review! Concrit is very, very much appreciated! Btw, I am looking for a beta, any takers please say so in your review and I'll give you my email addy. Thanks!

(flashback, I can't seem to get the little s to work...)

He fiddled with his toothpick; it gave him something to do while he waited for the classroom door to open. This particular one he had picked up at the restaurant his family had taken him to last night to celebrate his entry into the Academy. He shifted his weight from foot to foot, nervously. Chewing compulsively on his toothpick, he turned around to look at the new students behind him. There was a cute girl with blue eyes and brown hair, a scowling boy with silver hair- a loud fit of coughing from the boy in front of him interrupted his observations. He turned and tried as politely as possible to squeeze backwards. The coughing fit was so bad, the skinny brown haired kid it belonged to had to lean against the wall -- and he still looked like he was going to fall over.

"You 'k?" he asked, still wary of catching what was apparently the mother of all colds. It was August- who was dumb enough to catch a cold in August?

A nod from the kid. The cough slowly died. "I'm fine," he said hoarsely, turning to look at Genma. He had dark circles around his eyes.

"What's wrong with you?" Genma asked.

"I didn't sleep much last night." The kid coughed again. "Why're you eating a stick?"

"Huh?" Genma had forgotten he was still chewing the toothpick. He extracted it from his mouth. It looked soggy and a little splintered. He shrugged. "Do you think the teacher's ever gonna come?"

"I dunno."

Genma fidgeted. "What's your name?" he asked.

"You ask a lot of questions," the kid sighed. "Gekkou Hayate."

Before any further conversation could take place, the door of the classroom opened, and Genma found himself taking an involuntary step back. Their teacher towered over them, even more so than most adults. By and large, he looked fairly normal, with black hair in a ponytail, but it was the look of his strange almost white eyes that made Genma feel even more sick with nervousness than he had been. All conversation up and down the line ceased.

"Good morning, class," he began, not particularly cheerfully, but certainly not threateningly. "I will be your teacher. My name is Mizogutchi Kenji and I'm sure we'll have a very pleasant year together. When I read your name and number, enter the classroom and take the seat you're assigned."

Genma's seating assignment was something of a mixed blessing, he thought. On his right was the cute girl, Katsura Yukari, on his left, still coughing, was Hayate.

The day seemed to fly by until lunch, which he only picked over. Yukari had already made some new friends and was talking to them on the other side of the small yard.

Hayate was calling him. "Genma?"

(Present)

"Genma."

Genma came to with a start, kunai in hand, still not fully awake. The sky was lighter in the east, but it was still dark out. Kakashi was standing over him, slightly to one side, out of range of his arms, legs and kunai. Absently, Genma returned the kunai to its pouch and sat up. From his damp clothes and over all feeling of cold, he guessed that it rained during the night, but he didn't remember it. He stood, a little unsteadily and turned to walk away.

"Not a morning person, are you?" Kakashi said.

Genma stopped. Several answers sprung to mind, but in the end he chose the simplest one. "No," he said at last, and kept walking.

(Maybe these will work now?)

When he returned to his apartment that night, assignment details in hand, he was surprised to find he had a visitor knocking at his door. "Sayoko?"

The purple haired girl whirled to face him, surprised. "Oh, there you are."

'If I had been an enemy...' Genma noticed the dark circles around her eyes. Someone else hadn't had an easy night. "What are you doing here?" he asked bluntly. He hadn't seen her since Hayate's death, she'd been keeping busy and that was good, Anko told him when he asked.

"I came to return these," she said, holding out a small bundle. "I think you lent them to Hayate, at least, they don't have his name in them, and I know they aren't mine..."

Genma took the bundle and opened it. The contents were simply three books, three of his books, two books of tactics and a slim green volume of poetry. He'd forgotten lending them to Hayate, but seeing them, he remembered. "Thanks."

Sayoko nodded.

"Eto... would you like to come in for some tea?" he asked, not sure what impulse drove him to do so, and almost certain that she'd say-

"Thank you, that would be nice," she said.

Genma blinked.

"But I can't stay for long, I have an assignment starting tomorrow."

"Me too," he said and fumbled for his keys, feeling suddenly and inexplicably awkward. He opened the door at last, then remembered the mess his apartment was in. He turned. "Could you give me a minute or two?"

She looked puzzled by this, but nodded.

After a frantic three minutes, he opened the door again. "I think it's safe now," he said and went over to put some water on to boil. Sayoko looked around his front room, then decided to sit down on the chair by the table that wasn't buried under a stack of books. "I don't think I've had you over before," he commented, clearing the books off the other chair.

"No, you haven't," Sayoko said allowing herself a small smile. "But you came over to our house frequently."

Genma felt obscurely guilty about not returning the hospitality, though he was fairly certain Sayoko hadn't meant that as a reproach, just a comment. "I liked your house," he said. "It was different from this. Better lit for one thing and it looked nicer. A woman's touch I guess," he shrugged.

"It isn't much," she said quietly. "You could do something with this room, with just one more lamp. In fact, I may end up giving you one or making you buy it from me, I'm going to sell our house."

"What?" Genma frowned.

Sayoko looked down. "It's too big for just one person," she said quietly. "It's a house that's meant for a family to live in. It was really too big for Hayate and me, after our parents died, but he wouldn't consider moving," she smiled. "He had too many fond memories." Her smile vanished, as though it had never been.

The kettle whistled and Genma took it off the burner and set about making tea. "What do you take in it?" he asked

"Lemon and sugar."

Genma spilt a little hot water on his hands, but managed to contain his annoyance in that regard to a wince. "No milk?"

"With lemon?" Sayoko laughed. "No, only-" she stopped suddenly.

Genma didn't dare turn to see if she was crying. If she was, she certainly wouldn't want him to see.

"No," she said at last. "It's all right, Genma, you can look," she said tiredly. "I'm fine."

"Like hell," he said, walking back over to the table and handing her the mug of tea. He sat down and took a sip of the tea. Maybe it was a little too strong... There was a long silence. "Sayoko, if you want to talk to me, about anything, please feel free," he said after a while.

"Thank you," she said quietly. "But I don't know what I'd say."

"You don't have to _say_ anything, you can rant, or yell, or just be," Genma tried to elaborate, feeling more awkward as he did so.

Sayoko said nothing for a long moment, then spoke. "What do you do to get by- besides sleeping out in the rain?"

"Huh? How did you-"

"I overheard Kakashi tell Iruka."

'_I never knew Kakashi was such a gossip..._' Aloud, he only said: "What were you doing at the Academy?"

"Applying for a job."

Genma stared at Sayoko. "You're leaving the ANBU?"

"No, I thought I'd teach morning classes at the Academy, leaving my afternoons, nights and weekends free for at least part time real work." She sighed at the look of confusion on Genma's face. "Yes, I'm considering leaving. It's starting to get to me, and I'm... not what I was." She smiled bleakly. "Even though now, it would supposedly be ideal for me to continue since I don't have anyone left to leave behind."

'_What am I, cup ramen?_' Genma thought. "If they offer you the job, you should take it," he said after a long moment.

"Can you see me teaching screaming little kids?" she smiled. "Watch, they'd fire me on my first day!" She put down her half-empty mug of tea. "I should leave, I'm sure we both have things we ought to be doing."

"I guess so," Genma said. They stood and walked to the door.

Sayoko was halfway out of it when a thought occurred to her and she turned, almost bumping into Genma- but neither one pulled back. Only years of training kept Genma's face from going bright red. They were...close. Not indecently close, but the closest he could ever recall them being. "I almost forgot to warn you," she smiled. "I think Iruka-sensei is going to try to have a little chat with you."

"What about?"

"How you're doing, that kind of thing. He's good at that, and polite enough to take a hint if you don't want to talk."

"Oh."

"You should talk to someone," she said, again turning to leave, but looking back over her shoulder. "I know how much you hate hospitals, so I won't even suggest you talk to a doctor, but you should talk to someone. Iruka, me, my cat..."

"The cat counts as a 'someone'?" Genma almost smiled, a strange feeling, he thought.

"Of course," Sayoko smiled. "Get some sleep, Genma."

Genma stood in the doorway of his apartment and watched until Sayoko disappeared from sight. At last he closed the door and looked at the clock on the far wall. He groaned. How did time fly by so quickly? It was late and he still needed to pack and get in a few hours of sleep before the insanely early departure hour. But recently he hadn't slept so well, when he slept at all. In fact, despite the aches and pains that followed, the night out in the rain by the memorial had been the most peaceful one he'd had in a while. He decided against some sake to help him sleep or to chase away dreams. He couldn't afford to oversleep and didn't have much time for sleep anyway. He unrolled his futon and lay down.

(Flashback)

"This is a bad idea..." Hayate said, looking slightly worried.

"But it's fun!"

(TBC… grins )


End file.
